Answer to Reassurance Seeking/Self Reassurance/Uncertainty
Canadian with OCD tells us the s/he feels overwhelmed at times and seeks reassurance from others or attempts to reassure her/himself about self harm. S/he also notes that listening to the exposure script activates his/her fears. I know it is really hard to do exposure, but remember, almost all OCD involves trying to attain 100 %certainty. Most OCD sufferers are unable to do this, because there is no true certainty in the world. As you know for every answer or reassurance there is a what if. Thus every attempt at seeking reassurance from anyone is ultimately doomed.
I suspect that part of the problem with the script is that you don’t want to cope with the possibility that it could come true. I would ask you to think of how you would best cope with it if it did (assuming you survived). How can any of us know what we will do next. I don’t expect to slice and dice my wife tonight, but I can’t know that I won’t go crazy and do it — after all, one doesn’t plan on going crazy. I have to learn how to live in a world where that might happen and I can only hope it doesn’t. What would I do if it really happened? If this were my OCD problem, then my exposure would be to plan how to cope with the guilt afterward and to try to continue on. Yes it would be horrible and I don’t want it, but what choice do I have?
Why would you want to cope with your worst possibility taking place? Because trying to not have it happen is robbing you of life. If it does happen, you will have lost the precious little time you have. If it never happens, you will have lost all. In life, the past is nothing but memory, the future nothing but hope and all we have is now. The goal of acceptance is to learn to enjoy the only thing we can have, the moment.